The Secret Life of Internet Dating

Everything I know about flirting and dating, was learned from Clueless.

“Hello, I was wondering..”

It’s THE most ominous way to start a message. No one who has started their messages to me has ended this with anything funny/smart/not creepy.

Current examples are:

“I was wondering, why the whale/unicorn thing on your arm?”

It is a narwhal. If you do not know this, then we will never date and you have just completely cock-blocked yourself, well done. Even more so if you call it a “whalicorn” and tell me that I’m “really imaginative for making it up”. That does make it seem like I’m a little picky, you know, but I’m not (OK, I might be). I just want someone to be aware of my favourite animal..

“I was wondering, what’s a pretty girl like you doing on a place like this?”

Now this one’s more just annoying than anything, and it’s partly my fault. I’ve put up some pretty good photos of myself, where I look babeworthy, but this is not a real life representation (so sue me, I want babes looking at me and not my usual “fat metal lover seeks chunky alternative chick to occasionally grope”). I’m trying to find people who are remotely interesting and handsome who don’t think I’m particularly weird or awkward, who have something to say and want to listen to what I have to say, who may possibly want to date me as this does not seem to be working out in real life, as my profile quite clearly states. “What I’m looking for” is a pretty self explanatory section of the profile, really. ‘Can read’ is really up there in things I look for in a man.

And then, there’s ___Saxon, my usual calibre of hot babe who messages me:

“I was wondering, would you sit on top of me and rub your feet in my face?”

I’m not particularly sure what it is about me that attracts these sort of men, but it seems, Rachel gets them too, which makes me feel a little less weird. We also turn up together in the “If you liked this girl, you might like these ones” together (THANKS OKCUPID, like I don’t have enough issues fending off real life babes, that I need to fend off my best pals on the internet). 

So there it is, gentlemen, if you would like to start a message to a girl and you’re not sure how to start it, DO NOT under any circumstances start with “Hello/Hey/Hi, I was wondering..”. Remind yourself that she probably gets 100 messages a day and you want to be the one to stand out, to make her laugh and to be memorable.

Here’s an excerpt from my favourite message so far:

“How about instead, I do this. I am intrigued by your profile, and think it could be worthwhile to find out more about you. You know, talk, and answer those age old questions, like: 

“Is she a total basket case in hiding?” 

“Will I fall asleep sitting next to her when we hang out?” 

and don’t forget… 

“Is she just a guy with fake pictures, pretending to be a girl?!?!?” 

So lets interact! Sound good? Glad to hear it! Lets get creative… WE’RE GOING ON A ROADTRIP!!!! So where are we going and why?”

Zx

Just met my ideal match

mynameisstuart, you are a winner.

The six things I could never do without:
Mobile phone, internet, playstation 3, friends, family, chicken burgers

Hello everyone.

I feel like I should introduce myself properly - Zoe posted before about me writing here as well as we both delve into the terrifying world of internet dating. I’ll explain a little more about myself - I’m very, very recently single. Some folks may judge on how quickly I’ve signed up to the dating website, but after squeezing my cat for dear life while crying over Taylor Swift music videos for a day, everyone needs an ego boost, and I thought it was slightly more productive/less terrifying than going out and sleeping with a very young (but legal, obviously) and attractive boy to make myself feel better for short periods of time.

So far, I have found out that it is delightful to know that there are people out there as creepy as me. While this is a lovely thing in itself, these people are a slightly different type of creepy. I’m finding it interesting so far - but I suppose the most exciting part was trying to sell myself to someone again (not literally). It’s been a good 4 years since I needed to bother about wondering if I was an exciting person or someone worth getting to know. By the amount of replies and standard of chat that I’ve been receiving, I am definitely not. There are messages-a-plentiful, but there’s little substance so far.

Obviously, there’s already one person in particular that IS giving outrageously great chat so far, and we are definitely going to get married and have so many children together forever.

This particular website lets you see who has been viewing your profile, and interestingly enough, whether they voted for your pictures or not. It compiles this information into little graphs and everything, so you can view in a rainbow of colours just how fucking unattractive you are to everyone. So far, I seem to really, REALLY excite vegetarian activists (I think it’s my hair) and the older gentleman (seriously, I am actually loving my life right now). One man in particular has messaged me numerous times without my reply, and seems to view my profile roughly 3 times a minute. He’s messaging Zoe as well, but I’m not sure if she’s replied to him, I’ll leave the funny message post about that up to her!

Well, I’ve blabbed on enough. I hope to post absolutely nothing else on here because obviously I am going to be whisked off my feet immediately because I’m sought after. In reality, get ready for some serious fucking cat pictures.

Rach x

Since I’m lazy and have a newly single friend,

who has made a foray into the world of internet dating, I will no longer be doing this alone.

She is Rachel. She’ll also be posting from now on, so we’ll work out a way of identifying ourselves and posting the highlights of our internet dating lives to you.

My highlight today comes from i_Profile:

Well you are gorgeous and the law of averages dictates that one so beautiful tends not to be single. My guess was going to be all the men around you are blind, gay and/or retarded.

Your charm is overwhelming. You are almost poetic with your words. You have piqued my interest and curiosity. His self-summary reads that “If you are able to self-summarise within the given parameters - you have problems.”. Actually, I think you’ll find that if the only thing you’re good at is rolling joints, then YOU’RE definitely the one with problems.

Congrats though, you’re a stand up guy.

Zx

Seriously…

a 27 year old man, i.e. an ADULT, just asked me if I was “just out a ship ? cheers”

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? You are 27, you should at least just use proper words. Turns out what he was trying to ask was if I was just out of a relationship. He also started the conversation with “u a dirty lol a wont tell” and when I responded that I had no idea what he was on about (put it this way, the way I typed it was NOT the way he typed it.) he asked me if I was “fancy loose”.

You, sir, are a fucking wanker, and give men bad names. There’s nothing wrong with charm. In fact, it will probably get you much further than asking me if I’m a slut would. And why do you need to say ‘cheers’ at the end of each message? Which at the moment is sitting at about a sentence, so it’s not even as though you are typing huge long e-mails.

I am in no way inclined to have sex with you because you went to my school before I started there and I might have seen your ‘menchies’ at some point. 

Assholes.

samanthalouisecurtis asked: Heyy so I am also currently trying out internet dating (basically because I'm 19 years old and the guys at my college are assholes and I want to find something serious) and my parents and friends kind of shit on me for it and treat it like the biggest act of desperation ever. It was pretty good to see your profile of another normal girl on here just trying internet dating and I was wondering what prompted you to try it out?

I don’t understand the whole stigma behind it! I mean there are weirdos on it, yes, but there are some genuinely nice guys there too. Ones who don’t want to grope you in a club or try to put their peen in you about 30 seconds after meeting you.

I decided to go for it because one of my best friends recently became single and she’s always been an advocate of internet dating. She loves it and is a total serial dater when she’s not in a relationship, so I signed up based on her good testimony and I don’t regret it at all. I might not meet someone, and that’s cool because It’s funny and a little awkward and flattering.

Where’s the harm in a few random strangers telling you that you’re pretty now and again? (Which FYI you totally are!) Date away and screw the haters!!! xxx